I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
