where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
