oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
