You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
