he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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