Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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