Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
