Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
