my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I sprained my soul last night
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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