Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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