he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
