You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
