my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
