the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Someone came in the potted fern
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize