I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize