Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The struggles of a small town man whore
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
