Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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