I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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