Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
