i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
