This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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