Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
