is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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