So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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