bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
