So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
