I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
