Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
