my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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