i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
