i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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