Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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