Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
