I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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