put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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