I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
