I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
