Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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