I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
