every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
