I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
