The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
