Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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