My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
