That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
