I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize