Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize