we have pet lesbian snakes
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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