There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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