Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Your mouth is God's brothel.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize