I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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