So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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