There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize