Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
