i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
