So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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