I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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